Dear Matzav Inbox,
Before raising the concern that follows, it is important to make something very clear. The overwhelming majority of the Torah community conducts the shidduch process in a thoughtful, balanced, and healthy manner. Young men and women are introduced through shadchanim, they meet several times, they have the opportunity to speak and learn about one another, and when they become engaged they continue to communicate and prepare for marriage in appropriate and dignified ways. For most of our community, the system works remarkably well and has produced generations of strong Jewish homes.
The concern I am raising here does not refer to that mainstream shidduch system.
Rather, it refers to a much smaller number of insular communities that follow what is commonly referred to as the “bashow” model, where the process functions in a dramatically different way.
In those circles, a boy and girl may meet for an hour — sometimes even less. They sit together briefly, often with little privacy and under significant pressure. Shortly afterward, families and intermediaries push for an answer. Within a very short period of time, they become engaged. Then, astonishingly, the couple do not see one another again until the wedding day itself.
This is not the traditional shidduch system that most of Klal Yisroel recognizes. It is a highly compressed version of it, one that leaves two people making the most consequential decision of their lives with almost no meaningful opportunity to know each other.
Marriage is not a casual undertaking. It is the creation of a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel, the foundation upon which an entire life will be built, emotionally, spiritually, and practically. It is difficult to understand how such a life-altering commitment can responsibly be made after a single short meeting. In many cases, it is a churban. I speak from experience.
Even more troubling is the expectation that once the engagement takes place, the couple must essentially remain strangers until the wedding. In many of these situations, they are discouraged or even prevented from seeing or meaningfully speaking with each other during the engagement period.
One must ask: What purpose does this serve?
The engagement period should be a time when a couple deepens their understanding of one another, discusses expectations, learns how the other thinks, and begins forming the communication that will sustain a lifetime together. Preventing that process does not strengthen a marriage. It risks weakening it before it even begins.
There is also reason to question whether such a structure truly reflects the spirit of halachah. The Gemara teaches that a person should not marry someone without seeing and knowing them in order to avoid later resentment. The Rambam emphasizes that marriage must be entered willingly and with clarity. The purpose of the shidduch process is not merely to arrange a match but to allow two individuals to determine that they can build a life together.
That requires some measure of real familiarity.
None of this is a criticism of the values these communities seek to protect. Modesty, dignity, and the involvement of family are all important elements of our mesorah. But good intentions alone cannot justify a system that places enormous life decisions on the shoulders of young people who barely know one another.
Too often, couples who went through such a process later admit privately that they entered marriage without truly understanding the person they were marrying. Some grow into compatibility over time, but others face enormous challenges that might have been avoided with a healthier and more thoughtful approach during the courtship period.
We must acknowledge when certain practices drift too far from both common sense and the values the system was meant to uphold.
The mainstream shidduch process, when conducted with care and wisdom, provides young people with guidance, structure, and the opportunity to build marriages grounded in understanding and respect.
But the “bashow” model — where a couple meets briefly, becomes engaged almost immediately, and then remains essentially separated until the wedding — deserves serious reflection.
Our community prides itself on building strong families and stable homes. If that is truly our goal, then we must ensure that the systems we create actually help young people build those homes, not force them into life-altering decisions with almost no opportunity to know the person they are about to marry. This leads to broken marriages, broken people, broken children – and broken pieces for others to pick up.
Respectfully,
Burech Yida F.
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Israel’s government is preparing for the possibility of a major escalation on its northern border, with officials considering a dramatic expansion of reserve forces as the military readies for intensified operations against Hezbollah in Lebanon.
According to a report broadcast Sunday evening by Kan 11 News, the government may soon be asked to authorize an increase in the ceiling for reserve mobilization, raising the maximum number of soldiers who can be called up to 450,000.
The proposal, submitted by the IDF together with the defense establishment, is intended to provide the military with greater operational flexibility as it prepares for the possibility of a ground incursion into Lebanon and the prospect of maintaining forces inside hostile territory for an extended period. If approved, the plan would raise the mobilization cap by approximately 190,000 troops beyond the level set in January.
The push to expand the reserve quota comes as the IDF has intensified its offensive activity in recent days, including the destruction of the key bridge spanning the Litani River.
Israeli officials in Yerushalayim are seeking to significantly widen the security buffer zone in southern Lebanon in order to move anti-tank missile threats and infiltration risks farther away from Israeli communities along the northern border. The matter is also currently under discussion with the US administration.
At the same time, Israel’s political leadership is sending a strong message to the Lebanese government. Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu has directed the IDF to compile a list of infrastructure sites and civilian locations that Hezbollah uses for its operations, signaling that Beirut will be held accountable for terror activity launched from Lebanese territory.
{Matzav.com}
A graffiti message reading “Kill a Jew, go to heaven” was found over the weekend on a bike trail in New York City’s Riverside Park.
The sprayed sentence was discovered on a large stone along the trail between 97th Street and 105th Street, located on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, a major hub of the Jewish community.
The Combat Antisemitism Movement, a global coalition of pro-Jewish groups, tweeted that it was “a direct public call for violence against Jews.”
The nonprofit added, “Last month alone, 28 antisemitic incidents were reported in New York.”
U.S.-based organization StopAntisemitism also responded to the incident, lamenting “this level of open hatred” in a city that was once a “safe haven for Jewish life.”
The NYPD and the New York City Parks Department have opened an inquiry into the incident. No suspects were arrested. JNS
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As Iranian missile attacks continue to target Israel, emergency response organizations are warning that a direct strike on a residential building could create a mass-casualty scene within minutes r’’l.
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Because of this risk, ZAKA360 is working to replenish critical emergency supplies, including rescue and extraction tools, protective gear, lighting equipment for nighttime searches, and field response supplies used at disaster scenes.
According to the organization, equipment is wearing out and supplies are being depleted as emergency teams remain on high alert amid escalating threats. Those who wish to assist ZAKA360 in preparing for future emergencies can do so here.
British police on Sunday said they’re “aware” of “Death to the IDF” chants in London at an annual anti-Israel rally that was originally established by the Iranian regime, but that indictments depend on prosecutors.
The Crown Prosecution Service declined to say whether it would act on the chants.
Pascal Robinson-Foster, a musician whose stage name is Bobby Vylan and is part of the Bob Vylan duo, led the chants at a rally in central London for al-Quds Day. Police arrested 12 people there for disruptive behavior or displaying symbols of a proscribed terrorist entity.
The event was launched by Iran and popularized internationally to express support for the Palestinians and oppose Zionism and Israel’s existence. Al-Quds is the Arabic name for Jerusalem. The event is held at the end of Ramadan.
Organizers in London sought a permit to march through the city but police allowed them to hold a static rally instead.
In a post on X, the Metropolitan Police wrote: “We are aware of chanting made by a speaker at the Al Quds protest and will be investigating.” A spokesperson added: “We recognise the concern footage and chanting like this causes, particularly with London’s Jewish communities.”The spokesperson said: “When this language had been used previously we sought advice from the CPS [Crown Prosecution Service] who determined that there would be insufficient evidence to take a case forward.”
No criminal charges were brought against Robinson-Foster after he led “Death to the IDF” chants at the Glastonbury music festival in June 2025. The chants prompted several criminal complaints.
James Marlow, a political analyst and former head of the U.K. National Jewish Assembly, criticized prosecutors for failing to address the “Death the IDF” chant, which many British Jews interpret as a call to murder Israelis and Jews.
“It’s ONLY a call to violence and hate crime, but who cares as it’s just against the Jews,” Marlow wrote on X, telling the Crown Prosecution Service: “Do your job.”
Queried by JNS, a spokesperson for the CPS wrote in an email: “We carefully consider each case referred to us for charging decision or early advice to see whether it can be taken to court.”
Where the evidence is insufficient, the CPS works “with police to identify what more can be done,” the spokesperson said. “Hateful chanting or waving of offensive flags may constitute an offence and where behavior goes beyond lawful protest we will not hesitate to prosecute.” JNS
