Dear Matzav Inbox,
Before raising the concern that follows, it is important to make something very clear. The overwhelming majority of the Torah community conducts the shidduch process in a thoughtful, balanced, and healthy manner. Young men and women are introduced through shadchanim, they meet several times, they have the opportunity to speak and learn about one another, and when they become engaged they continue to communicate and prepare for marriage in appropriate and dignified ways. For most of our community, the system works remarkably well and has produced generations of strong Jewish homes.
The concern I am raising here does not refer to that mainstream shidduch system.
Rather, it refers to a much smaller number of insular communities that follow what is commonly referred to as the “bashow” model, where the process functions in a dramatically different way.
In those circles, a boy and girl may meet for an hour — sometimes even less. They sit together briefly, often with little privacy and under significant pressure. Shortly afterward, families and intermediaries push for an answer. Within a very short period of time, they become engaged. Then, astonishingly, the couple do not see one another again until the wedding day itself.
This is not the traditional shidduch system that most of Klal Yisroel recognizes. It is a highly compressed version of it, one that leaves two people making the most consequential decision of their lives with almost no meaningful opportunity to know each other.
Marriage is not a casual undertaking. It is the creation of a bayis ne’eman b’Yisroel, the foundation upon which an entire life will be built, emotionally, spiritually, and practically. It is difficult to understand how such a life-altering commitment can responsibly be made after a single short meeting. In many cases, it is a churban. I speak from experience.
Even more troubling is the expectation that once the engagement takes place, the couple must essentially remain strangers until the wedding. In many of these situations, they are discouraged or even prevented from seeing or meaningfully speaking with each other during the engagement period.
One must ask: What purpose does this serve?
The engagement period should be a time when a couple deepens their understanding of one another, discusses expectations, learns how the other thinks, and begins forming the communication that will sustain a lifetime together. Preventing that process does not strengthen a marriage. It risks weakening it before it even begins.
There is also reason to question whether such a structure truly reflects the spirit of halachah. The Gemara teaches that a person should not marry someone without seeing and knowing them in order to avoid later resentment. The Rambam emphasizes that marriage must be entered willingly and with clarity. The purpose of the shidduch process is not merely to arrange a match but to allow two individuals to determine that they can build a life together.
That requires some measure of real familiarity.
None of this is a criticism of the values these communities seek to protect. Modesty, dignity, and the involvement of family are all important elements of our mesorah. But good intentions alone cannot justify a system that places enormous life decisions on the shoulders of young people who barely know one another.
Too often, couples who went through such a process later admit privately that they entered marriage without truly understanding the person they were marrying. Some grow into compatibility over time, but others face enormous challenges that might have been avoided with a healthier and more thoughtful approach during the courtship period.
We must acknowledge when certain practices drift too far from both common sense and the values the system was meant to uphold.
The mainstream shidduch process, when conducted with care and wisdom, provides young people with guidance, structure, and the opportunity to build marriages grounded in understanding and respect.
But the “bashow” model — where a couple meets briefly, becomes engaged almost immediately, and then remains essentially separated until the wedding — deserves serious reflection.
Our community prides itself on building strong families and stable homes. If that is truly our goal, then we must ensure that the systems we create actually help young people build those homes, not force them into life-altering decisions with almost no opportunity to know the person they are about to marry. This leads to broken marriages, broken people, broken children – and broken pieces for others to pick up.
Respectfully,
Burech Yida F.
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