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Dear Matzav Inbox,

I commend Rabbi Bender for courageously addressing the sub rosa practice that has crept into many of our frum communities known as To’a’meha — gatherings where groups of men assemble on Erev Shabbos to drink heavily and indulge in various mat’amim, all under the pretext of the mitzvah of tasting Shabbos foods in advance. Calling for communities to forbid this practice, Rabbi Bender forcefully decried this behavior and emphasized the damaging impact it has on our children, who watch their fathers arrive at the Friday night seudah in a state of inebriation.

I, too, long for the disappearance of such decadence from our cherished and holy communities. Yet I question whether a rabbinic prohibition alone can truly resolve the underlying issues that drive this behavior. Alcohol misuse functions as a numbing agent, and those who rely on it may be attempting to escape stress, soothe an emotional void, or quell anxiety. While many additional factors can contribute to substance abuse, my decades of counseling adult men in our community lead me to believe that these three motivations are the primary forces behind To’a’meha gatherings.

Consider the burdens faced by men between the ages of 35 and 60: making steep mortgage payments on homes built to high standards in the “right” neighborhoods, paying s’char limud for a houseful of children, financing bar mitzvahs and chasunos, navigating shidduchim, keeping a seder limud, meeting tzedakah obligations, supporting a wife who may herself be overwhelmed by managing a large family, satisfying workplace demands, learning with children, attending simchos, striving for growth in ruchniyus, and more.

When a person feels they are falling short of communal expectations for spiritual growth, or when they struggle to balance the needs of a spouse and many children, an emotional void can develop. The constant pressure of providing for a family can naturally lead to anxiety. For some, the weekly ritual of numbing these overwhelming feelings becomes the coping mechanism of choice — selected specifically because it doesn’t interfere with job performance. To their credit, most men in our community find healthy ways to handle these pressures. But in any large population, there will be those who lean on less constructive methods.

Breaking free from this damaging cycle is especially difficult because the brain learns to associate alcohol with temporary relief. Simply banning the practice, without simultaneously reducing the stressors and offering healthier, acceptable alternatives for decompression, is unlikely to yield meaningful change.

Rabbi Bender has brought a critical issue to the forefront. Now, our community must confront the deeper challenge: reducing the pressures that fuel these unhealthy behaviors and providing constructive outlets that support the well-being of the entire family. I eagerly await that conversation in Part II.

Signed,
A rov for 40 years,
F. B.

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{Matzav.com}

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The tragic incident occurred near Exit 120 as Elchonon was traveling from Boro Park back to Lakewood.

Emergency responders arrived at the scene, but the injuries were unfortunately unsurvivable.

In the aftermath of the accident, askaním worked tirelessly, maintaining constant communication with state and local authorities to ensure kavod hameis was upheld in every respect.

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Levaya details will be released as soon as they are finalized. Kevurah is expected to take place in Monsey.

Elchonon leaves behind his grieving parents, siblings, extended family, friends, and chaveirim, along with a community shaken by the sudden loss.

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{Matzav.com}

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